esther perel mating in captivity ted talk

Popular psychology tells us sexual problems come from relationship problems. But in their attempts to secure love, Jeff and Sophia have squeezed out the very erotic ingredients that spurred the relationship into being: surprise, novelty, spontaneity, curiosity, uncertainty. She talks about the shared rituals that make their days more predictable, the security of knowing that Jeff checks in with her four times a day. Sophia points to the familiarity between Jeff and her, the protectiveness she feels. In fact, the very qualities that nurture intimacy can be sexually deflating. Withered desire is all too often the unanticipated side effect of a growing intimacy, not one that's cooled. You'd think you'd need to throw more intimacy at it to keep it in pink health. When we love, we worry about our partner and feel responsible. Exactly the caring and coddling that nurture love snuff out the unselfconsciousness of desire. So, there you have it: the human species design flaw. I don't want that insecurity at this time in my life, But I would like to feel something.' I know that the excitement was bound up with insecurity, with not knowing if he would call or not. So what is it I miss? I want to feel some of the intensity of the beginning, the butterflies in the stomach, the feeling of anticipation. We have a nice place, enough money, three great kids. 'We get along really well Jake is warm and reliable, and even though he's not the type to gush, I feel cozy with him. She wants the comfort of familiarity, but misses the edge of the unknown. Time and again they tell me that, though, they treasure the stability, security and predictability of a committed relationship, they miss the excitement, novelty and mystery that eroticism thrives on. Next they'll move into describing relationships that are open and loving, yet sexually dull. They tend to go something like this: 'We love each other very much, but we have no sex.' Plenty has changed in my 20 years of private practice, but not my patients opening lines. As a couples therapist in New York, I've seen young and old, married or not and gay, bi and straight, with passports from all over the world.

Esther perel mating in captivity ted talk